Family Starts With Blood
by bjxmas
Summary: 9.13 The Purge tag – You're Winchesters, your lives will never be normal. You've died & come back so many times because you have a job to do & it's not yet done. Who else knows your history, has been there through the good & the bad? You don't throw something like that away. You find a way to move past the hurt to rekindle the love. 100 word drabbles. This chapter Sam's POV
1. The Brutality of Words

9.13 The Purge tag – _Because this is the only way I can reconcile what I witnessed in that final disturbingly raw and emotionally brutal scene. I need to sort through the Winchesters' differing perspectives and try to get inside their tormented, warped brains to reach out as they obviously cannot do at the moment! Dammit, writers, you are ripping our hearts out and stomping on them. Stop it! Now! Please! _

_I naturally see things from Dean's POV, but I'm trying to figure out Sam's. I hope to explore all possible angles and hopefully come up with something to explain why Dean and I have lost our Sammy that we love so fiercely and desperately need back! I KNOW Sam loves Dean and would fight heaven and hell to save him…I just need to feel it again! Because Sam's words not only devastated Dean, they destroyed my belief…and I need it back! ~ B.J. _

Family Starts With Blood

Chapter One - The Brutality of Words

I'm used to getting knocked around.

Kicked when I'm down.

Agonizing actions, brutal blows,

Casual cruelty and deliberate digs.

I don't break that easy.

Conditioned to pain and disappointment.

Enduring the slams and slights.

Defenses locked down.

Safe behind strong barricades.

Or barreling into the fight.

I've only ever needed one thing.

_My family._

With my brother watching my back, united in battle.

I can handle anything.

But not this.

Faith doesn't just slip away; it's shattered.

Casual, cruel words reveal what I could never imagine.

Worse than my worst fears.

The realization sobering.

"You'd do the same."

"No…I wouldn't."

The End

bjxmas

February 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Dammit, Sam! You're Winchesters! You're supposed to have a dysfunctional, dependent life with your brother! You're not normal and normal things like living your own life isn't what your life will ever be. There's a reason why you're supposed to save your brother. There's a reason why both of you have died and come back to life so many times…you have a job to do, and it's not yet done!_

_So forgive your brother because nothing is worth losing what you have. Who else has your history, knows those childhood tales, cares as much and feels so deeply? Get over it, please, because Dean needs his Sammy back and I don't think you truly want to lose your brother!_

_Thanks for reading and please…share your thoughts._

_Later, B.J._


	2. House of Cards

Chapter Two - House of Cards

Sam doesn't run away.

Not this time.

Sits down opposite me.

Locks eyes.

"Okay, let's be honest."

I've never not wanted to hear what he has to say.

How he feels.

But I don't want to hear this.

Truth beyond what my mind could conjure.

Words tear through me.

Blunt, brutal.

Debilitating.

I've always tried to rationalize.

Excuse.

Deny.

Build on my beliefs.

Cling to my truths.

Family.

Purpose.

Home.

_This _truth hits hard, bitter and cutting.

My foundation tilting on shifting sand.

Gale force winds blowing fierce…

Flimsy walls buckling from the strain.

Crumbling.

A house of cards

Folding…

The End

bjxmas

February 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Jensen always manages to convey what Dean is feeling, the devastation chipping away at his stoic attempt to contain the damage, his pain all right there on his face. The shift of his body and the withdrawal behind his walls so excruciatingly painful to watch because those eyes can't lie and Dean doesn't deserve to feel like that for the act of loving too much._

_It's not like he didn't agonize over his decision to save Sam, but honestly, SAM chose to not die back in that church. Sam CHOSE to stop the trials because he wanted to live. So this suicidal bent of his that came later, his willingness to slip away without fighting, to simply accept his fate, is something Dean can't comprehend or accept. Dean's love is his driving force, his determination to save his brother part of his ingrained personality. Can you fault a man for talking another off the ledge?_

_The only thing I can agree with is "It's complicated." Yes, it is, but bottom line is, Winchesters fight until their job is done. They don't quit and they don't give up or give in. It's why they're damn heroes and why their journey will never be easy._

_Thanks for reading. All comments are appreciated._

_Later, B.J._


	3. Limits

Chapter Three - Limits

The look in his eyes.

Trapped in denial.

Lost in longing.

Drowning in despair.

The progression subtle.

Reacting as my truths slip free.

Certainty descending into shock.

I don't want to hurt him.

But he needs to understand.

To accept.

To finally realize…

What he did was _wrong._

There are lines here.

Limits to what we should do.

He told me that once.

Told me how it scared him, how far he would go.

For Dad…for me.

Told me they'd use our love against us.

Told me to be strong.

To let him go.

Enough, Dean.

No more.

Never again.

The End

bjxmas

March 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_In many ways Dean is Sam's father figure, the one guiding him in his early years, the one person Sam has leaned on in the past. It's a role they've both felt comfortable with for a very long time and it's a hard cycle to break. I think Sam has always loved and respected Dean but also rebelled and fought him much as a child tries to separate himself from a parent. It must drive him crazy to still feel that obsessive over-concern, to not be treated fully as an equal and as a grown man. Most especially when his view of right and wrong counters Dean's view._

_Sam's dilemma is how to penetrate Dean's certainty and break down that protective instinct while still protecting his own rights as a man compromised. It's a complex issue and hard course of action. I hope he's trying to shock Dean into the realization instead of simply punishing him._

_Sam has issues. He feels violated and betrayed and he is angry. Somehow they need to come together and actually talk. They need to reach an agreement they can both live with, one born out of love and concern muted by the larger picture of what's right and how far they should go to save the other. _

_It's complicated…_

_Thanks for reading. Any comments, especially ones helping me understand Sam better, are most appreciated. I'll admit, I struggle with his perspective on this one!_

_B.J. _


	4. Strictly Business

Chapter Four - Strictly Business

Sam says we can't be brothers.

Says he'll hunt with me,

But only if we keep it strictly business.

His rules, his demands.

His way…

I'll take it.

What else can I do?

It's nothing new for me.

Way it's always been.

Family means everything.

At least to me.

So we do our job.

Hunting and killing and saving people.

Him and me, co-workers, business partners.

No longer brothers.

Not what I want.

But at least we're together.

I'm used to toeing the line.

Following orders.

Doing what I need to,

To keep this family together.

Even if we're not…

The End

bjxmas

March 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_I hated Sam's ultimatum, his indifference and apparent lack of concern for his brother's pain, and most importantly, his abandonment of family. It's what their entire relationship is built on and yet he seriously just wants to be hunting buddies? Not even buddies, simply hunters mutually in pursuit of the same evil! That's quite possibly worse than kicking Dean's ass out, more damaging long-term and more emotionally a whipping point. _

_If Dean didn't care so much for his family and without his existing lack of worth, he would walk away and yet he can't, because it's still his job and purpose to be there for Sam…even when Sam doesn't appear to want or need him. That's who Dean is, who he's always been, and who he will most likely continue to be. Sam, get used to it! _

_Who would have thought the Mark of Cain might be a good thing for the brothers, pushing Sam to want his brother as much as Dean's always wanted him? Sometimes it's good to be reminded of what you're in danger of losing when you still have the chance to change course and fight for it! I hope Sam is beginning to see that and will take action when the time comes. _

_Thanks for reading. Comments?_

_B.J._


	5. Trust

Chapter Five - Trust

I can't trust Dean.

This possession…

This angel _violation._

How could he?

How can he possibly think that's okay?

Dean doesn't think.

He reacts.

Listens to his heart.

Not his head.

He can't keep doing this.

Breaking his own rules.

Throwing away other lives

To save _me._

I don't want that.

I was at peace.

Content.

_Free…_

I was _ready_ to die.

He betrayed my trust.

My belief that he wanted what's best for _me._

This isn't it.

More pain and guilt.

Endless struggles and loss.

This cycle of sacrifice consuming us.

Over and over again.

This has to stop!

The End

bjxmas

March 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_I'd like for Sam to at least acknowledge that Dean did this out of love. And he can stow the "You're selfish and afraid to be alone" speech. That only diminishes Dean more and it is not true. Dean may believe it, especially when he is in his lowest, self-punishing frame of mind, but Sam shouldn't. Sam should know better and how he's handling this is just not the Sam I've known and loved, so I'm struggling to understand, as I'm sure Dean is._

_So, hash out your differences, explain why another possession hurt you and why you wish Dean had been able to let you go, but at least recognize the devotion that caused Dean to act when his head was telling him to not do it. _

_Sorry, readers, even when I try to see Sam's side…I'm still pulled back to Dean's! Which is why communication is key, they need to talk because I don't think any of us truly know what's going on in Sam's head at the moment. _

_Discuss away…_

_B.J._


	6. Trust on the Flip Side

Chapter Six – Trust on the Flip Side

Sam says he can't trust me.

That's rich.

Maybe he _doesn't_ know me.

Know _us._

Maybe he never has.

Trust is all I got.

Belief in us.

Him and me, in this together.

I trust Sam with my life.

Always have.

Thought I always would.

Now…

I don't know.

He seems so willing to throw away what we had.

Says I'm _wrong._

I'm used to being wrong, condemned for what I do.

I'll take his grief.

His blame…even his damn hatred.

At least he's alive.

Dad told me to save him.

It's how I'm hard-wired.

It's what I'll always do!

The End

bjxmas

March 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_This is Dean. The Dean I love and the Dean Sam used to know and appreciate. I honestly don't want him to change from how protective he is of Sam. Yes, he needs to practice a little self-care, but it's not going to happen if it means giving less to Sam._

_I can see how that devotion can wear on Sam…to a degree, but I also think it is awesome to have someone in your corner who loves you that much. And I think that's why we love our Winchesters so fervently, because love and family mean so much to them._

_So, that's all I got right now…_

_Talk to me…_

_B.J._


	7. The Agreement

Chapter Seven - The Agreement

We always agreed _not_ to look for each other.

But as Bobby said, it was a non-agreement.

I certainly never meant it.

It was a promise designed to lessen guilt.

If the worst came to pass.

_If _we couldn't find the other.

Something I could never accept or allow.

I'd move heaven and hell to find Sam.

Fight a thousand monsters

To save him.

_He's my brother._

It's my job.

But it's more…it's why I fight.

Why I exist.

To protect him and keep him safe.

I could never leave him.

Abandon my duty.

Shirk my responsibility.

Deny my love.

The End

bjxmas

March 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_I think it's pretty obvious where Dean stands on this. It's what I've always admired about him and also what drives you mad when he allows that need to circumvent what he should want for himself. But it's Dean, who he is and why I love him. As is…_

_I still believe in their bond, in Sam, in the ultimate proof that must be coming that Sam feels the same way about Dean. He has to…he simply has to!_

_Thanks for reading. Comments?_

_B.J._


	8. Puppet on a String

Chapter Eight - Puppet on a String

It feels like my entire life hasn't been mine.

My destiny, my _family,_ pushing me into a role I never wanted.

It's like every choice was made for me.

What choices I did make never turned out right.

I know that.

Still…this felt right.

Leaving before another screw-up.

Before another let down.

Dean was there, supporting me in the church.

Telling me he'd handle it.

He shouldn't have to!

Not any more.

My leaving, my _death, _

Was as much for him as for me.

Freeing us both from this burden.

This freaking destiny crap.

Cutting the strings and ending it.

The End

bjxmas

April 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Both our Winchesters can get morose and down, depressed and on the verge of surrender, but what sets them apart is their bond. When one is at the end of his rope, it's the other that steps up and gives them purpose again, the strength to take that next step and never give up. It is the yin and yang of their personalities, the two of them fitting together perfectly as this unstoppable force for good, fighting the good fight because they can!_

_Thanks to all who have commented in the reviews. I love discussion and hearing other views and insights. To my Guest reviewer(s) thanks for offering me another glimpse inside Sam's head. You made some very valid points and it helps me understand Sam a little better. I think what we all want is the boys to talk and share what they are feeling and what their thought processes are…but I guess that's a pipe-dream and why writers like me write our stories, to try to get to the heart of the matter! _

_Comments? Please share away…_

_B.J._


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